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XIII. My real CONVERSION: Μετάνοια

Rembrandt

Soon he came to me this: my past life paraded before me like a movie and I began to cry and sob for three days. I saw him and felt with extreme pain and deep all the evil I had done and it appeared to me that there was not an area that was free of my misdeeds either directly, through complicity or involuntarily. This left me in disarray bigger but I recognized, not apologized for anything, assume it, not seeking any explanation or sociocultural cause any personal or family who could give me clearance to reduce or at least my responsibility. I agreed not to recognize that I was fully responsible for everything. In other words, you understood me, the former atheist became a Buddhist, I recognized and regretted in tears all the sins (the word was out) committed to date from as far as I can remember. And at the same time I was in such pain of having committed so much evil, I felt the pressing need to ask forgiveness from my whole being and the most astonishing thing is that I felt so deep inside a total pardon me, full, huge and soothing mercy. The Our Father I then returned the further from my childhood in the mouth and a conviction has become irresistible to me, so I was a Christian. And Our Father which art in heaven, forgive me. Peace fills my heart and so much that tears come at moments, I felt truly and deeply forgiven without any doubt.

Bartolome Esteban Murillo

I took the decision to go to the Father hotelier who was the only monk with whom I had contact, I explained everything again with floods of tears and asked him to confess to receive absolution with the desire to unite as soon as possible to the body of Christ since I was a Christian.

It listened sympathetically but he refused to give me absolution.
It was a terrible pain at the same time as total amazement.

I do not understand, and I understood even less, intimately, I had received the forgiveness of the Father, my prodigal son because I have to say it: it was full Lent (Catholic and Orthodox even! I checked there were only 4 days apart that year) and I was forty years! Forty years of wandering in the desert in search of the Promised Land. And I did not know, ages ago, what was Lent and that did not even know we were in this liturgical season ... But I had just read the parable of the prodigal son and I could not understand why I had no right to celebrate the Lord's Supper, as in the Gospel. For me the visible church could only ratify what gave me so clearly and generously Heaven invisible.

The good father but was adamant he was willing finally to the sobs of my persistent grief, I concede some explanation that I found nothing in common with what I had experienced, it occurred to me that the monk discern not really what I had to live or the options of my temperament. I lived at the time without being married to the mother of our two children and we were in a stable relationship since we met. It was clear that I desired greatly to radically change life and put some order in all areas and that the marriage was of course provided at the earliest. The monk saw that the flesh is weak we could sin even before the wedding day and it was better so he gave me absolution point ... it was a cold shower which has some a little later in my loneliness Catholicism for Orthodoxy. ... The reverend father saw probably a little later at a subsequent visit with the family (unless he wanted to test me but it was not the positive project I needed) of the strength and durability of my desire to get involved and when I offer to become a Benedictine Oblate, I already plan to become Orthodox in spite of my love of Gregorian chant of the day ...

Anyway, my commitment to the Christian faith is rooted in painful repentance, sincere and deep immediately followed by the deep conviction of divine forgiveness. And "religion" has never been for me since a spur to remind me of my sinfulness and my total and immense responsibility before God and his creation. This was never and will never be a refuge, an escape from reality, or comfort to the injustice of this world, or hope at the difficulties and hardships of living a better life, one day, somewhere outside this world. No! And I must confess that since my conversion, I would have passed this sting sometimes makes life less comfortable it must be said that the pseudo freedom as advocated in speeches in the world with the good conscience of politically correct speech that provides not only put his life in accordance with his words, but well justified for refusing to take responsibility for anything. ... But commitment in faith and in the way (to speak again as a former Buddhist) also find here that without which we will relapse into sin lasting, faith gives us also the forgiveness of the Father and the means of get his grace without which we would not ourselves, by our own means, the strength not to fall.

Behind the phenomena in the background, vacuum in which there was nothing to say was so full, and this was the fullness of human love, philanthropy of God the Father, his solicitude and his mercy towards her children, because despite the pain felt at the announcement of the refusal of the monk and my disappointment, I have never doubted that. It was this discovery that enabled me to redefine myself as a Christian. Later I dare boldly interpret the Zen in the light of Christian faith.