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rather rebellious in my youth desperately empty skies hovered between Bakunin and Krishnamurti, however, until I really became an atheist, meaning I get settled in relative comfort of indifference to the existence or nonexistence of God, so really a-theist, meaning godless.
But life had not finished surprises me one fine morning after I opened my door without knowing who the Father is in Heaven, I realized that I could not live without either God or with God, it had become impossible. After the experience of my conversion I was unable to live in the same way. Impossible. Then finish the comfort and the sting hello! Faith has never left me since, although I had trouble with certain beliefs that are not the same as faith, but I accepted this new game for me, this odd language for a rational mind and appetite from eating everything that was around the belief was gradually integrated into me, with profit to make life beautiful and filled every moment of poetry.
Here is the story of this journey that led me to Henceforth Christ My Lord and my God.

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I. Prologue Notice to readers

The Conversion of St. Paul's
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I happened to tell several times this episode of my life to different people and I know very well that this story is not without its problems are those that experience of any narrative whatsoever.

Indeed, first, any experience human is experienced in the specific context of the person who lived it: personal, familial, social, historical, cultural, religious etc.. In this sense we can think that this experience, if given that it can also be experienced by others will not be experienced in a particular way, through a particular view, necessarily dependent on the whole context in which j have spoken above. That is to say that the alleged virtual wealth of experience, will be updated as items perceived by the particular sensitivity (whose components are cited contextual above) of that person.

Then comes the story of this experience. Here, again and again, the context mentioned above will interfere and the story will draw a selection in all the information transmitted. There will be a highlighting of certain elements at the same time that the exclusion of others, and this, only the effect of "natural" in this context, but it will be added for the particular discourse of the telling, at work in his narrative. In other words, what the author of this story is that the recipient retains most of all. What will opportunity again for a shaping experience that may well away more and more of it the one who lived.

Finally, we must care for him who receives such a story. And again, we can predict without being mistaken for a prophet, there will be a new selection (highlighting / shelving) among the information transmitted to simply match the personality of the reader or listener narrative. What does it retain? What he will report in turn to whom? Etc.. the chain goes on ... So we

might ask: but what is the open mouth of the risk of both strain? What good is telling, orally or in writing, which seems fully transferable? However, at the same time, is there any other human condition that the latter, are there many other possibilities out of the way through language and codes that can reduce, limit, supervision and training and meetings between people with all their communication problems that can interpret and distort?

Obviously this also applies to my eyes to the transmission of the Gospels, to hagiography, the "experiments mystics "and other pious stories that will not necessarily rule out scientistic prejudice because the domain of the irrational and not verifiable.

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II. "Glory" and renunciation

The long preceding reserve was made, I'll still build once again a story of my conversion since c ' is consistent with my initial draft of this blog tell how an ordinary lives his Orthodox faith.

We can say that everything is part of a denial. It is a version as possible.

I was living a personal life outside "fulfilling" - as the advocates today to propaganda - busy, creative, diverse, so with some success but not a financial professional pleasant relations in different settings, for some prestigious, with prospects so promising enough.

Inside, it was much worse: a couple's relationship was in crisis and most obviously they went wrong and I am working outside. As children they were of course often the brunt of this marital discord. Everything has nevertheless continued until the evening when, after a dispute over the couple, I had a kind of awareness that everything was going to rack and water in our family and I had to make a decision. I have taken: it was that of denial. It was a sudden and total renunciation. In everything that made that life was gratifying to my ego, "fulfilling" all my activities, all my relationships. Done.

I had no faith at the time, there was long as I had become a true atheist, that is to say a Godless literally, because a period of my life atheist, rationalist, materialist So activist, I finally "understood" that God was no longer my problem, because He existed or not, I do not worry about it more, I lived in the same way. I was then free of the problematic battery / Face that finally biting the tail. J 'were "liberated" the existence of God. I do not go elsewhere plus those who had done their militancy a pathetic reason for living. I had no score to settle from that side for a while.

So I abandoned but I had no prospects. If it had been measured while the electrical signals produced by my soul it would have received an "électropsychogramme" no high nor low, perfectly flat. I was dead to all desire ...

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III. "Renaissance" and "mental activation"

Then we can see each period and each experiment seen as a milestone in a journey guided by grace and learning step by step, acquired after acquired


... Someone asked me, get me out there, a "seminar" with a weekend says of "mental activation", I finally agreed to try ... and it was actually beneficial. I have experienced some sort of group "Renaissance" tour that was meant softer than what was practiced then known as "rebirthing" we were invited to relive emotionally painful stages of his life back as far as possible. Some claimed to have reached up to birth. I'm not gone that far ... but I learned to radically reverse the way I see the world and life, I learned to cultivate positive thoughts, to relax deeply, I said Yes to life.

importantly, I realized the power, amazing as frightening (depending on its positive or negative charge) of desire, through space and time, which will be an experience that will not make me doubt in the least world, later, the reality of the power of prayer, while it promote awareness of the fundamental responsibility of each individual in his own life, his thoughts, words, actions, for good or evil course of life of the world.

In the years of rebellion in my early youth I had two bedside books "Anarchism by Daniel Guerin and" The First and Last Freedom "by Krishnamurti. I suspect already that the outside was not without the intimate and the concern for liberty and justice for all groups was also passing through the interior of each revolution, but then I had not really started working. In any If I stopped smoking and I got back home if I have metamorphosed been emulated around me, both in my family that my friends and acquaintances. Big success!

few years later I read in a magazine that association in which I had the chance to relive and learn to see life differently had been placed in the infamous list of sects. This is absolutely ridiculous and even revolting, because at no time during my own experience, I have been subjected to any manipulation to alienate my freedom, or to ruin me in any or how about joining the force in a gang ... I am afraid that proselytes all those who, in their pious declarations, watch carefully to our freedom, become inquisitors sometimes a worse case than they claim we protect.

I had been introduced to letting go is another name for abandonment, the concentration even though the faith, that faith was a little vague ... and I reconsider my personal life, marital, family and working in a different world view, in the sense of love of life that is probably inseparable from a love life.

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IV. The influence California

The experience was rich. After the seminar were held weekly sessions for monitoring, maintaining and deepening that could come at leisure. There were all kinds of people: people who wanted to improve their lives, personal, emotional, professional, financial, others who were seeking wisdom, enlightenment, and there was the incredulous critics unwilling to be fooled, posing systematic questions about everything, feet firmly on ground and who swallow everything without examination or chewing, ready to ride any cloud, easy prey for the gurus of all kinds (of course, certainly ...) and researchers open but discerning. This experience had the advantage of bringing together people of all conditions that would never have spoken if they had not shared in complete nudity, this deep common experience where one could see with his eyes spared the suffering person on this earth, rich and poor and that under all that is outside most insignificant or opposite brightest could hide distress equally tragic. It appeared to me also on this occasion it is often easier to have compassion for those we feel below itself socially and for those that are considered above . Which casts doubt on the quality of such compassion, certainly agreed, and politically correct, but perhaps a bit too narrow and focused ...

But God was not yet in the program for me and although at one point, a room in the center of the association is called overnight "room Teresa of Avila," it me emerged as a kitschy bad quality. Indeed, far from the castle which I was not spiritually aware, the experience was enough for me then, I was sufficiently equipped to continue my path.

however, curious as I have always been, and concerned about the origin of things, anxious to trace the sources (which will not leave me to Orthodoxy), I realized that 'in front of California which appeared to originate in the first analysis all these effective approaches so-called "personal development" - to act quickly - was Japan and throughout Asia ...

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V. In front, Asia: 1.The Taoïsme

My search had begun ...
I was concerned about a broader vision and a coherent world view and not just by a few techniques to make life more comfortable. And like the original has always seemed preferable to copy everything I thought I understood sources directed me to the East Asia then, and more particularly to Taoism.

I bought the Tao Te Ching [Daode Jīng] and Tshouang Tzu [Zhuangzi] and other books and reviews I found all this fascinating even if I did not understand everything right away, at least it seemed sufficiently demanding that appear to me to be as serious discussion.
I was particularly attracted by the concept of Wu Wei 无为, which generally results in non-doing, which is actually rather a mode of action and appropriate behavior to changing circumstances of life, caring and loyal to nature, without any need to force, and in which, paradoxically, sometimes No action is the best way to act. In other words, we need to trust that solves life itself that must be resolved. Remained to add practice to theory ....

I began looking for Taoist masters and soon made contact after reading an article - I do not know in which newspaper, with an old and honorable Chinese lady, a former professor Music Conservatory of Shanghai, according to him took care of a Taoist temple located at home and I was eager to meet her. She asked me to write previously to explain the meaning of my research, I did. It does him no pleasant little doubt that since it never answered me. I do not see where to go closer to home at the time, and like all disciplines of Tai Chi and Chi Gong others had hardly developed yet at that time in France, I set aside my practice project and I continued to study the texts, keeping in mind these treasured elements of doctrine that seemed so paradoxical, but so attractive. I was happy later to regain the sense of paradox in theology magnified by his orthodox hymnody.

And then I kept this valuable text that rabid cons unfortunately they confuse Christianity with its unique shape Western certainly do not want it "diverts "

He is a being confused that existed before heaven and earth.

Oh it's quiet! Oh, it is immaterial!

He remains one and does not change. It runs anywhere from collapsing point. It can be regarded as the mother of the universe.

Me, I do not know his name. To give it a title, I call Way (Tao). In striving to make him a name, I call it great.

Tao Te Ching Chapter 25

Fairly quickly continued my exploration of the topic made me see that in China there was not that a Taoism, and it was far from being primarily a philosophy of wise devoid of all good, practicing in a purity and a recount fascinating to Westerners like me - anxious the avoidance of any ritual and belief to focus on "spiritual" by removing the "religious" (opium of the people par excellence). It also included religious practices with temples, clergy, altars, rituals, offerings, or even a magical practice and at least one discipline of body and mind to acquire supernormal powers ...

I was there, I still wanted to practice personal and community at a time and not just a theoretical personal. So I decided to stay spiritually in Asia but in an area more within my reach and then became interested in Buddhism, and much more visible presence on French territory, while familiar with historical and doctrinal disputes that had pitted one to another ...

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VI - 2. Buddha 1. Nichiren ..

Willing to exploration of Buddhism so I did not have to search long or far, as the mother of a friend, a practitioner of Nichiren Shoshu, invited me to a briefing. It was strange and familiar because it was a school which, while presenting themselves as the only school of Buddhism "orthodox" (sic! yes!) strangely placed emphasis on the consistency of progress on the path to enlightenment and social success. I had already seen this - although it has been reported at any time as "religious" - in the famous seminar which had roused me from my hibernation psychic so I was not too shocked because I knew that we could still benefit from best to worst mid slag experience and I was determined to live this experience. Anyway, this is obviously not unique to this school of Buddhism since we find this attitude both in Judaism and some trends of Protestantism to mention only the so-called Monotheism.

The practice was - and is, for those who are in the school - quite simple: it's all according to the ense ignement the Japanese monk of the XIII century Nichiren, the founder of this teaching, reciting the mantra "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" [which literally means "I am dedicated to (and I revere) the Law of Myoho Renge Kyo" or "I am dedicated to (And I revere) the teaching of the Lotus Sutra "] and extracts from the" Lotus Sutra of the Good Law "(in Japanese Hokkekyô) all being recorded in a small booklet.

is recited texts and mantras clasped hands with a rosary in his hands but not that n'égrène. The mantra is not one in the direction of Tantric Buddhism since it does not receive an esoteric initiation by a master (otherwise it has little effect under the doctrine Tantric) for practice and a Indeed the style is not expected as in the Tibetan Vajrayana type for example. Besides Nichiren although it emerged from the Tien Tai school, esoteric school, denied any Tantra and then spent his life to vanquish all other Buddhist schools to defend that which its proponents see as the only "orthodox". Similarly the practice of the mandala has been kept in his school in the form of a complex similar to calligraphy figurative mandala of Shingon (esoteric school Japanese equivalent of Tibetan Tantrism) for example but abstracted by the sole writing.

The Mandala of Nichiren

(It's weird these three crosses at the top, right? "But no! It's sanskrito-Sino-Japanese!)

can take quite content knowledge of doctrine and practice to address this : for what is the context in which I practiced. If one wants to hear the amazing virtuosity of Tina Turner (devout practitioner of this school) this practice can watch this video of You Tube. This other address teaches the doctrine of Nichiren but wants independent, because it must be said that Nichiren Shoshu was articulated in an organization "cultural" called Soka Gakaï Japanese company with many international ramifications for the least controversial ... I myself am

enthusiastic and devoted my whole being and it was for me an important discovery while experiencing the power of rhythm and sound vibrations from the recitation of prayers out loud, mind and body unified . I remembered from my childhood that catholicize things soft and pretty and there psychologizing incomparable energy circulating in yourself and your relationship with others so fascinating, giving another dimension to the " prayer. " I read the works of President Daisaku Ikeda of Soka Gakaï who introduced me to a Buddhist world view and I found it very interesting.

This experience remained vivid and compelling enough in me (a kind of verification by the body of the authenticity of a practice) so that I can not stand little more than recite the psalms and other liturgical texts that according to Orthodox tradition, I mean not like they are recited in the Catholic Church or Protestant modern with this permanent intention to convey meaning by interpreting (in all sense of the word) the text under the pretext of "think" the text. Reciting Orthodox neutral rhythm, volume sustained without drama or theatrical incongruous allows, as one who recites his listener, to be fully available to him which is intended only to him personally by the Holy Spirit, to be receptive to the verses that can not touch him and he can hear without the distorting filter through a well-intentioned. It is this practice that opened me there.

However, as I became addicted without restriction on practice, as I fled when I dealt with the structure, organization, and when surprised they can not freely go to the temple that I could not even approach or practice with which I wanted, when I had the opportunity without the consent of the senior members of the organization, I began to have doubts, I did some research and have read various articles in an amount sufficient to make me think that this school if sectarian elsewhere with his claim to the only orthodoxy, could also be about his coaching. It also occurred to me that they deceived him people in social difficulty in believing that their advancement in the hierarchy of what looked more like a cult, in the worst sense of the term, showed the benefits of the practice, and confirmed a breakdown of their bad karma of origin, so their progress in the Way. It was enough that I am suggesting here and there that all had some acquaintance with political rather far from the ideal of detachment in Buddhism that I leave all that good. I've never been to a sect or for closed clubs elsewhere.
Then I bought a book who showed me that there were no fewer than twelve "sects" or schools of Buddhism in Japan alone (Kusha, Jojitsu, Ritsu, Hosso, Sanron, Kegon, Tendai, Shingon, Zen, Nichiren, Jodo Shin) and I continued on my way ...

"Nichiren saving his disciples from the storm" ...

(Do not you remember anything? Weird, weird ...)

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VII - 2. Vajrayana Buddha 2.The

Having made the decision to go elsewhere but still in Buddhism and staying in France, I I went to Savoy, the former Charterhouse of St Hugo, seat of Karma (Chédroup Tcheu) Ling headed by a French monk Lama Denis Teundroup disciple of the great master of Tibetan lineage (Shangpa) Kagyu (Kyabje) Kalu Rinpoche. This was a total change of scene to find a place as austere mountain winter, a place so exotic, where all colors, shapes, sounds, buildings, paintings, statues, with all these offerings refined at their feet contrasted happily with the disorders of various sites because there was still much at that time to build. This course gave me another image of Buddhism that so-called "orthodox" in Nichiren Shoshu. There I found the recitation of sutras albeit in a different language and recitation of mantras, especially the one that everyone knows "Om Mani Padme Hung"

in meditation on Chenrezig ( Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva of compassion, sometimes represented with a 1000 arms mutitude image of the possibilities of his compassion for all beings, or as an androgynous in China (Guan Yin) with a child in her arms the irresistibly reminiscent of a statue

of the Virgin Mary (yes again ... weird Maria Kannon ) or Japan (Kannon).

can easily be found on the web service but I also had another fundamental practice and widespread in almost all Buddhist schools unless the school and the Nichiren Pure Land: that of "meditation". I made a retreat where I was introduced to the basic meditation Shinay (mental pacification) Lhagtong (the insight) which was a good preliminary to my practice more Late of Zen. The practice of mantras was different, less "energy" more "internalized" as NamyoHorengeKyo and Vajrayana it requires for its full effectiveness esoteric initiation and transmitted by a master skill. So I deepened my knowledge of Buddhism to another, followed the teachings, read books and I even bought a beautiful Buddha, a vajra and bell tantric cult objects while I had not gone in my previous practice, until a Dai Gohonzon (copy "Mandala "Handwritten by Nichiren) and to which only takes practice aloud. I went home and started practicing alone with Tibetan prayer booklets oblong but mala (Rosary) sitting on a cushion ordinary.

But I did not stay in this practice because anything that surprised me and amazed me seemed still quite far from me culturally and promised to be far too complex to practice with all these deities unfamiliar to view and too "magical" for my temperament. Was brief too exotic for my concerns, the appeal could only last so long and became something of an impediment to my commitment.
Nevertheless I kept the memory of great sweetness from my instructors, though consistent with what I could imagine, so Buddhist practitioners, including Denis Lama will hold meetings later inter-traditions which will participate for the orthodoxy (which I did not know even existed then) Father Placide Deseille ... It appeared to me that Buddhism was incredibly deep and accurate in his knowledge very sharp movements of the "soul" man. It was also far concerns Soka Gakaï worldly and more I find my way. But the real treasure of the moment was simple meditation and especially the encounter with the man who knew ... Father Placide However conversion point on the horizon ...

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VIII - 2. Buddha 3. Zen

I threw myself into this story, I'll have to finish it and trying not to bore my readers too well that sometimes it bothers me a bit to tell my life, I must admit. I am tempted to rush a little but the events would be rather ungrateful neglect the steps organized with infinite patience by the Lord to bring her unworthy servant at home.

So I'll still take courage: Vajrayana was too exotic indeed. Yet I have not totally ruled out since the Tibetan schools later, thinking he had found a practical non-dual Absolute provides diversification skillful practices to "become a Buddha in this life with this body" [Sokushin-Jôbutsu], as we preach in the esoteric school Japanese Shingon , I was introduced to the practice of Dzogchen (in school Chögyal Namkhai Norbu)

who wants beyond all schools of Tantrism and I turned - without me invest otherwise than bookish - around the Bön above any contribution from India and n has not ceased to exist in Tibet, despite the "imperialism" of Buddhism.

Meditation then my concern and I turned to Zen (禅) Soto was most represented at the time - indeed the only - while other schools now Zen (Rinzai giving the lot importance Koans to [paradoxical injunctions], which includes Korean Son in excess of Zazen practice common to other schools such as prostrations, mantras etc.. Sambo Kyodan school etc..) have their instructors (Sensei) and even their masters and dojos in France and other European countries.

In the Soto school of Zen which was introduced in France in the sixties by Deshimaru disciple of Kodo Sawaki (see his moving biography by clicking image)

;

and found throughout Europe now takes precedence over all sitting naked:

zazen (座 禅) .

was what I needed.

This is just sit in the posture (lotus, half lotus posture or Burma) one in which Sakyamuni, the historical Buddha, met the Awakening, or tense posture, or released, without visualization, without a fight but without fueling thoughts, without search of effect (such relaxation or concentration or breath before the action) and certainly not profit seeking Realization, Satori, let alone meet the Buddha ("If you meet the Buddha, hit it!" Is it taught. It's very physical: keep your back straight, chin, pushing her head toward the sky, knees pressing the ground, focused on breathing with a long expiration and inspiration successor naturally attentive to tensions or sloppiness. Just sit shikantaza 只管 打坐 Master Dogen said.

More trivially or more roughly "Sit down and shut up "said one instructor Japanese-American former rock musician. Incidentally some roughness is not necessarily the opposite of compassion but is also a form, I will never forget that moment when, dismissing the affectations of political correctness which is simply the secularized Christian culture without God. Practice
simple and uncluttered but rich in lessons. Zazen is not just a physical posture that invites you to calm the excited, or requires the sleepy to stay awake, it is both a metaphor of life as the Zen and life itself. Considered by the school as teaching in line with the Buddha 2500 years ago and passed on from master to disciple, Zen Buddhism became the Ch'an its introduction in China by the 28th Patriarch Bodhidharma and Zen in Japan by Dogen in the 13th century whose texts have become the foundation of this school. So I played again with my whole being, body and spirit, morning (sometimes even lunch) and dinner only on my zafu (meditation cushion, round, black, customized stuffed with kapok) as is done in School Soto facing a wall. And of course I participated in sesshins (pensions) Temple Gendronnière since it is in the context of the AZI I practiced. This practice has been for me a wonderful school asceticism, dignity, commitment, faith, courage, perseverance, patience. Rituals demanding, beautiful and perfectly sober me then agreed and although aesthetically very Japanese could be found in this school as a recount was open to the universal and therefore suitable for a French, more than the expansion and the colorful Tibetan culture.
As for the "theory" developed in both the collection of lessons that Dogen condensed in the sutra of the heart he has helped to clear up in my mind so that the apophaticism Orthodox theology has been very unsettling for the future.

All beings are Buddha since the beginning of time, like water and ice, without water no ice, outside us no Buddhas. So close is the truth, although we were going to fetch away. Surrounded by water, we cry, "I am very thirsty! "Born Rich, poor as we wander, making tirelessly around the six worlds. Our grief is caused by the ego misleading. Trail trail, we grope in the dark. How to free ourselves from the wheel of samsara? The door to freedom is samadhi procured through zazen. Beyond the excitement, then by the praise, is the pure Mahayana. The precepts, repentance, the gift, the right path of life, the countless meritorious deeds, all this has its origin in zazen. Samadhi authentic disperses all evil, and it purifies us from karma, removes obstacles. Where are now the dark paths on which we lose our way? The country is close to Pure Lotus. Hearing this truth, heart humble and grateful, singing his praises and kiss, to practice its wisdom, is a source of unlimited benefits, mountains of merit. But if removed by ourselves, we prove our true nature - that real being is devoid of ego that our self is not an ego - the ego is transcended and clever words are behind us. Then the drive door opens noisily. There is neither two nor three straight short Voie.Notre the form has become non-form, we can come and go without ever leaving home. Our thinking has become non-thinking, our dances and songs express the Dharma. Immense, infinite is the sky of Samadhi! Bright and transparent the moonlight of wisdom! There in the world, something we would he defect? The immensity of nirvana unfolds before our eyes. The earth we tread is called Pure Lotus, and our body is the body of Buddha.

Hymn of Praise for Zazen, by Hakuin Ekaku (1685 - 1768 )

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IX: 2. Buddha: Zazen precursor Blessed Quietness

Благое Молчание

What follows is not a pretentious and vain spiritual lesson, it should rather be read as a personal dialogue with my past, useful to strengthen my faith without denying any what the Lord has been my best throughout my path when I was hungry and thirsty. And the Lord takes care of her treasured children (Kyrie eleison!) Knows better than anyone that does not feed a child or sick with the same food that is given to an adult in good health.

This taught me that Zen: Zazen

taught me a way to spare and condensed both the spiritual life and life itself is a readjustment and not necessarily a permanent rectilinear progression. Show deification as a rectilinear progression, marked by an irresistible ascent merits is to risk the temptation of pride and discouragement, heads or tails of this same piece of counterfeit money:

"Lord and Master of my life, Do not forsake me in mind of discouragement "

Because to follow this spiritual illusion, is to risk falling rungs of the ladder of St John. "There is no man who lives and does not sin." When you get used to "fall and rise" as Sainte Therese, every moment is a small resurrection, and we do not fall down permanently the arms of black demons through sloth, pride necessarily proportional to the received spiritual disappointed. Instead the humble little drop of water finally dig the stone. It's a metaphor I like Zen. That training courageous, vigilant and persevering in the good fight against the laxity and negligence:

"Lord and Master of my life, Do not forsake me in mind of negligence" is

as the immobility that allows at least one time not clearly err in shares or in other words to train not to act spontaneously in our fallen nature, but in agreement with our true nature, our Buddha nature which is not very different from our nature made in the "image and likeness."
When you sit down to do nothing else, we are called to let go, to cease to maintain in us the desire to capture everything, control everything. We abandon the illusion that, through action and commitment, we can always control everything in our lives. This abandonment of self-will is a basic condition of our reception of grace.

"Lord and Master of my life, leave me not to the spirit of domination "

Later I understand that the cross in this sense become a Christian
my posture is the activation and verification of fidelity, the meaning of faith.

And it Zazen posture, mouth closed, silent, allowing the less time they say it is not sin in word:

"Lord and Master of my life, Don ' not abandon the spirit of empty words. "

But this has been much more than this abstinence from sin through words. This learning
the prolonged silence has not been for me the worst way to approach the Lord that we represent on this icon so dear to me the Спас Благое Молчание: angel with hands folded on his chest, not behind the head with not the halo circular containing the cross as usual, but the star with 8 branches formed two squares, one light of the Godhead triumphant and the other dark, apophatic, the same deity, the incomprehensible darkness offered to the pride of the human spirit forfeited. This icon of Our Lord so special to me is the silent invitation to silence to which we are invited by all means sacred of our offices, our songs, our liturgies, our icons, to enter the resemblance. The concept will be familiar hesychia me when I meet her later.
But it is also the icon of the silent expectation of the infinite goodness of the Word of God before his manifestation to men through his Incarnation itself, and for me personally, patience, careful and quiet of my Lord when my door would finally open to the grace of conversion in my life as a sinner. History hello from one man Is not it the renewal of the history of Hi to everyone? And saw the body of Christ.

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X - 2. Buddha: Zazen - Here and Now

So I diligently practiced zazen. Practice sometimes five consecutive days in sesshin (approximately Zen retreat) in a dojo group will then produce effects on me not only physically ("ouch!" Or giving me a furious desire to end the session run, jump or dance!) but also mentally and spiritually. It allowed me to continue in effect a cleaning relations deteriorated with relatives for example, or it gave me a vision once-conception of reincarnation a bit more consistent with the Buddhist conception of the self as the Tibetan system for example. We do not do enough in this little Zen, unlike Buddhism Tantra, closer to India. So I had this vision of a pebble thrown into a river sinking to the bottom of the water while producing the surface waves in the singular form because of its particular fall, these waves on the surface of the water brought together elements of suspended solids which are condensed as it approaches the shore and eventually fail on the shore: a man is dead and gone, another is born, it was not the same but the second was the first product of karma, the actions of all kinds made by him (karma) are given by resonance with any new configuration still a causal relationship with the former. Hence the importance of the last moments.
's the vision I had of reincarnation. I do now reports that because it seems to offer some consistency within the context and the Buddhist system and is exchangeable in the same frame but I put it aside for some time now and the confusion is not my cup of tea even if the man is obviously for me a religious animal whatever time and place, and as such, there is necessarily universal in all religions and spiritualities. God is from eternity and having created man in His image and likeness, man has always talked about God and has always addressed to Him in all languages.
Dogen in his Genjo koan wrote: "In the Buddha's teaching, he has never been said that life becomes death. [...] Life and death have their own lives. [...] The life and death have an independent existence and have them report that qu'entretient winter with spring. Please do not think it's the winter turns into spring and spring into summer. "Sensei Deshimaru, commenting on Dogen resumed another metaphor:" It's the same relationship between the wood and ashes. Wood does not know and can not watch his ashes. Wood can watch the ashes of another stick but he can not watch his own ashes. It's the same thing between life and death, such as wood burning becomes ash. The ashes can not think before she was Wood and vice versa "Here and now is important. "Here and now includes all eternity."

I must admit that after all these years, even if the Resurrection is the foundation of my Orthodox faith and irrational force of my life, I persisted in the importance given to here and now without me overly concerned about either the end of the world or the Day of Judgement. I know too how much everything a man does or does not at any time has an impact on the entire cosmos in space and time and that his responsibility is significant for the health of the Cosmos that is to say, the Body of Christ himself. he will have to report at some point ... No need to spend too much time discussing the theory of tolls or to imagine precisely what will happen after our death, let alone to place too much importance to the accounts of Near Death Experiences, even if this is still attractive sometimes. So much to do now in this life, in this body to reduce our capacity to sin ... But mostly I also know that the kingdom is already there at any moment, since the Incarnation, life, death and resurrection of Our and the Lord grace can make us live life as long as we cooperate with our measurement. Everyone is not Seraphim of Sarov course or even Motovilov ... but many small miracles we are often offered. So I continued

Zazen spacing but increasingly the only sesshins and practicing more at home because I thought sometimes godos (= responsible for leading the meetings) still not very inspired and I even seem to hear too often made a little speech and little genuine resonance with those in the same place at the same time, practicing contemplation moot with me. I wanted to be in the presence of the master and sometimes I had the unfortunate impression of concentric circles of sub-disciples of disciples, the master having passed on the other side and starved
... But all this work was not without fruit as we shall soon see ...

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XI - Zazen> Mozart> Gregorian

At this point I no longer felt to belong to any community, I felt so available while continuing to practice fairly regularly. Meanwhile I pursued the so-called personal development. In this research project a certain inner freedom, a consolidation of my psyche, I heard about the work of Professor Tomatis, ENT, "speech pathologist, specializing in repair and rehabilitation of voice great stars of opera, theater and film and had to treat the original voice in re-educating the ear. Applications Research Tomatis were made then to language learning and helping children with learning difficulties. But it appeared to Professor Tomatis at the same time that his work had an impact on some psychological problems of patients who came to consult and development took place in that direction. I do not know where research is currently in this area. Tomatis who practiced yoga had a theory about the posture of the hammer, and anvil bones of hearing and he advocated this position to work after suitable training courses to improve his balance, recovered his energy and increase its capacity voice. He had another theory about the famous difficulty relating to the infirmity of the French to learn foreign languages to produce as many large singers: after analyzing the frequency of each language, it found that languages such as Russian or Italian for example, were more extensive and better balanced than the poor French language ... it's still cool to francophones who come to poor outcomes despite their valiant efforts. He also provided the evils of mediocrity helmets (not just the volume) of all players on the ears of youth.

Okay, back to the practical approach is what he was: After examining a little more sophisticated than that you did before your military service, a specific diagnosis was made on both the auditory imbalance between the two ears, and gaps in the sound spectrum of your voice. Following what an appropriate treatment for each case was called. This treatment, surprisingly, was to listen in headphones superior music filtered through a sophisticated equalizer, in correspondence with the holes in the bandwidth of your voice. Mozart's music has been analyzed by Tomatis as the richest harmonics and therefore the most energizing and most constructive for the human person, we heard of Wolfgang Amadeus length of rehabilitation session. I was lucky I loved Mozart, but what could be a great musical pleasure, was not always seen that music was filtered, and it was ultimately quite challenging sometimes to the point that breaks were included in this Wolfgangomanie very special and these breaks were not necessarily silent. We listened ... then the Gregorian Chant (!) But not filtered. And I must say it was effective and that this was the greater good, not only because of the surprise and change, which was not anything. It True, this song without instrumental accompaniment, without polyphonic sophistication without breaking brutal pace, without dynamic contrast, these voices naked without dramatic effect, without pathos, this timeless song almost seems to come from so far, gives a real healing and the taste of serenity that we longed to find not only after each session of "torture", but also outside the therapeutic context ...
This aural experience prompted me to further explore this work and I made a subsequent stage which was very beneficial to my vocal abilities both in the Sound quality product in increasing the range. Incomparably efficient. The practice of singing became then, unexpectedly, as important as the piano.

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XII - from Buddha to Jesus by Solesmes ...

Dear reader who has had the patience to read me so far, then I dare say that,

Dear brother, this is what happened. :

During winter holidays, friends invited me to join them in a mountain resort where they had a cottage there to ski and enjoy the pleasures of friendship after skiing, but oddly I had not wanted and I declined the offer had yet been profitable for many a Parisian to oxygenate a bit. No, I do not know what took me, I decided to go listen to the live object of my discovery said Gregorian chant to know him better and perhaps with the project of studying the practice for myself then seen the benefits that I found on my person at the center of Professor Tomatis.
I decided then to the place that had been designated as a specialist in this song, that is to say, the Benedictine monastery of Solesmes. So I took contact with the Reverend Father Hotelier of the monastery who informed me that I could come in the days that followed. So ... I went with my Zafu (meditation cushion which I do not separate more than my practice wherever I go) and my books on Zen. I told also input the color at the right father was a Zen Buddhist and I came to this place for musicological reasons, having experienced the physical benefits of Gregorian chant. After suppressing a grimace, he assured me that all sorts of people came to stay at the monastery, it was not reserved the Catholics and I was therefore very welcome. We spoke a bit of Africa where I worked for a time and where he had helped to establish a monastery in Senegal where it was "acclimated" to the Gregorian accompaniment with Kora (African harp) Keur Moussa I seem to remember.

It put me in a cell, not heated so if I remember correctly. I carefully selected the appropriate place to ask my Zafu and it was not a problem of rule which had been made to attend services because I was there to listen up. I lived at the rate of monks and learn about organizing their lives in accordance me but respecting the other rule set for compliance with the fence. The morning I got up and I was doing Zazen and evening before bed. But it did not last long ...
Two days! Perhaps one day and a half only!

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XIII. My real CONVERSION: Μετάνοια

Rembrandt

Soon he came to me this: my past life paraded before me like a movie and I began to cry and sob for three days. I saw him and felt with extreme pain and deep all the evil I had done and it appeared to me that there was not an area that was free of my misdeeds either directly, through complicity or involuntarily. This left me in disarray bigger but I recognized, not apologized for anything, assume it, not seeking any explanation or sociocultural cause any personal or family who could give me clearance to reduce or at least my responsibility. I agreed not to recognize that I was fully responsible for everything. In other words, you understood me, the former atheist became a Buddhist, I recognized and regretted in tears all the sins (the word was out) committed to date from as far as I can remember. And at the same time I was in such pain of having committed so much evil, I felt the pressing need to ask forgiveness from my whole being and the most astonishing thing is that I felt so deep inside a total pardon me, full, huge and soothing mercy. The Our Father I then returned the further from my childhood in the mouth and a conviction has become irresistible to me, so I was a Christian. And Our Father which art in heaven, forgive me. Peace fills my heart and so much that tears come at moments, I felt truly and deeply forgiven without any doubt.

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I took the decision to go to the Father hotelier who was the only monk with whom I had contact, I explained everything again with floods of tears and asked him to confess to receive absolution with the desire to unite as soon as possible to the body of Christ since I was a Christian.

It listened sympathetically but he refused to give me absolution.
It was a terrible pain at the same time as total amazement.

I do not understand, and I understood even less, intimately, I had received the forgiveness of the Father, my prodigal son because I have to say it: it was full Lent (Catholic and Orthodox even! I checked there were only 4 days apart that year) and I was forty years! Forty years of wandering in the desert in search of the Promised Land. And I did not know, ages ago, what was Lent and that did not even know we were in this liturgical season ... But I had just read the parable of the prodigal son and I could not understand why I had no right to celebrate the Lord's Supper, as in the Gospel. For me the visible church could only ratify what gave me so clearly and generously Heaven invisible.

The good father but was adamant he was willing finally to the sobs of my persistent grief, I concede some explanation that I found nothing in common with what I had experienced, it occurred to me that the monk discern not really what I had to live or the options of my temperament. I lived at the time without being married to the mother of our two children and we were in a stable relationship since we met. It was clear that I desired greatly to radically change life and put some order in all areas and that the marriage was of course provided at the earliest. The monk saw that the flesh is weak we could sin even before the wedding day and it was better so he gave me absolution point ... it was a cold shower which has some a little later in my loneliness Catholicism for Orthodoxy. ... The reverend father saw probably a little later at a subsequent visit with the family (unless he wanted to test me but it was not the positive project I needed) of the strength and durability of my desire to get involved and when I offer to become a Benedictine Oblate, I already plan to become Orthodox in spite of my love of Gregorian chant of the day ...

Anyway, my commitment to the Christian faith is rooted in painful repentance, sincere and deep immediately followed by the deep conviction of divine forgiveness. And "religion" has never been for me since a spur to remind me of my sinfulness and my total and immense responsibility before God and his creation. This was never and will never be a refuge, an escape from reality, or comfort to the injustice of this world, or hope at the difficulties and hardships of living a better life, one day, somewhere outside this world. No! And I must confess that since my conversion, I would have passed this sting sometimes makes life less comfortable it must be said that the pseudo freedom as advocated in speeches in the world with the good conscience of politically correct speech that provides not only put his life in accordance with his words, but well justified for refusing to take responsibility for anything. ... But commitment in faith and in the way (to speak again as a former Buddhist) also find here that without which we will relapse into sin lasting, faith gives us also the forgiveness of the Father and the means of get his grace without which we would not ourselves, by our own means, the strength not to fall.

Behind the phenomena in the background, vacuum in which there was nothing to say was so full, and this was the fullness of human love, philanthropy of God the Father, his solicitude and his mercy towards her children, because despite the pain felt at the announcement of the refusal of the monk and my disappointment, I have never doubted that. It was this discovery that enabled me to redefine myself as a Christian. Later I dare boldly interpret the Zen in the light of Christian faith.